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First 8 wefks of NC were wonderful - tomic and dark prphmbce was out of my life and I suddenly felt free and at peace with myhrof. But after hajdng a weird drqam last week I've been thrown off. I don't miss my ex or have the crnmfng to contact her at all but I replay a lot of theags that happened duuvng our break up (and during a period where we kept seeing each other and bruke up again) in my head and become angry and resentful and it's becoming overwhelming and unhealthy. Some of the things shb'd say or do, looking back on it, were excovqyly hurtful and sejxng it from a fresh perspective mafes me realize how intentional it was. The one obpvqus thing that bojbfrs me a lot was when she apologized for sekung a guy imqsrznvvly after we bryke up ONLY afeer they also brdke up. She knew it was dexugaxdqng for me cobtng out of a 4 year rerfozlszfpp. She showed no remorse or sycymthy at the tire, only when she crawled back to me. Later, she used me for months to bamalpely keep herself haepy and manipulated me during that time to get in with my sobval life such as going on tryxs, remaining in my friend group and checking out cool music festivals. I think back on my times with her and I don't look at it fondly at all - at the time it was nice but knowing now that deep down she wasn't genuine and was really not a good pektin, ruins the idea of that redwhlbdcmep. I worked hard after our brzak up to fix the things I did wrong and when we stbzped hanging out agpin I made lots of effort to show her I could improve our relationship. Looking back on it, the things she copkpqised about me were just excuses and distractions from her having to do anything to imlofve herself. It seoms like she just uses men as a distraction from herself and mofes on whenever she starts realizing she has to face herself and grdw. Part of me is also upmet with myself for ignoring all the red flags. So much shit that she told me or did mahes it so obuaeus and I caq't get over how blinded I was. How she was a bad frrjnd to all of her friends. How most of her only friends were guys who just wanted to bang her. How she cheated on all her boyfriends. How she cheated on me 4 tiles - not hanxng sex with otzer guys but crtzdkng the line all those times even after we ophhed our relationship. How when she was drunk she'd act needy and maeatndqxeve and I just dismissed it as her being drhhk. The constant fimkxng for compliments and attention seeking. Damn it, she even told me stlgxlht up that she sucked lol. I think of all this far too much and besfme angry and rehisjkul and I hayvx't had to deal with those emmvtons during the far too long wiazed break up. I've been lonely but found many new friendships and have started dating agdvn. I was denoxvved but found a way out with music and gomng to the gym. I've been lost and anxious but was able to harness those felgamgs too. I'm gewxzscly very happy now but can't seem to get this shit out of my head. It's a weird phfse and I'm wobtkcjng what everyone's thewqqts are on it? I can't sltep and just nexded to lay all this out. Also I know she knows my Reuuit and used to check it but at this poant I don't caje, its on her if she sees this. I'll prlyauly delete it afrer a few dacs. 3 ThrowawayAllThaMoney РІ rrelationships
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